The Epic, Stunning, Adventure Filled Quest for Sandvich
by Wingdinger
Summary: This is the epic tale of how the heavy gathers ingredients after a terrible fire (caused by the pyro) destroys all of the heavy's Sandvich ingredients. This is the adventure that tells his tale.


The Epic, Stunning, Adventure Filled Quest for Sandvich

It was another day at the red base, Archimedes was twittering, the sun was burning at a temperature of 5,778 K and the red team ware house was burning to the ground. A siren was ringing off in the distance and most of the red team was watching in disbelief or shock as the fire roared with a passion. Thankfully the ware house was close enough to jog to from the base so it was unlikely that the fire would spread and not to mention but the base was in the middle of a desert. But the red team was now arguing about the cause of the fire and how it became so large so quickly. But as the medic and engineer were yelling at each other on why or why not the sprinklers had failed, scout came running out of the burning building. He had not joined the other mercs as they came to see what was going on, they had assumed that the scout was simply break dancing to some rap in the equipment room. But the scout was now rolling on the floor trying and failing to S.D.R (stop, drop, and roll). The medic began to heal the scout by causing a steady stream of healing mist onto the small merc. "All right scout, if you tell us vy you set the vare houze on fire I promize zat you vill only be fired and not made to clean the soldiers victory fence" said the medic with much difficulty due to the fact that the medic wanted to strangle the scout's head until it was fit for the victory fence. The scout sat up and pulled a scorched can of "Bonk the atomic punch ™" and began to chug the drink until he spat out most of it. "Ughhh, man that stuff is nasty when it's all warm and stuff, hey thanks doc"! Said the scout, with minimal burns on his face. "Scout just tell us vy you tried to burn down the vare house". The scout looked at the medic confused "uh doc umm, that wasn't me, that pyro did it". Ever merc stopped short in whatever they were doing. The soldier was trying to think of a way to blame the Russian communists for burning down the ware house. The demo man was slouched up against an old tire, with a bottle in his hand. He sat up with a look of drunken fear on his face. The engineer was sitting in his mechanical chair and playing some music that he composed, with his had carved guitar. He stopped mid strum and looked up. The sniper was playing tic-tac-toe with the spy in the sand. The two looked up and simply stared. The spy's cigarette fell out of his mouth and onto the orange and hot sand. From out of the still burning ware house came a laugh, a high pitched laugh but to the mercs, the laugh came out as an echoing and menacing laugh that was eerie and terrifying over the crackling of the fire. A singed meatal door that had was still on its frame, slowly opened and out popped the pyro laughing and clapping with delight at the fire and was jumping up and down with the overwhelming feeling of joy. The mercs just stared at the pyro until they heard the rumbling of a truck slowly driving over the sand. The truck stopped about ten feet away from the group and the heavy stepped out and surveyed the scene. The truck had a large water tank on the back with a power full fire hose connected to it. The heavy un-coiled the hose and began to extinguish the fire. The pyro grabbed at the heavy and then fell to his knees and made a pleading gesture but it was to no avail. The mercs began to search through the rubble to see if they could find anything that they could salvage from the burnt out place. The heavy lifted put a section of ceiling that had fallen onto a large metal box. The box was a large fridge that contained all the supplies to make his favorite food, the Sandvich. A large container of fuel had fallen and exploded in the fridge, destroying the contents of the fridge in an instant. The heavy climbed down and had taken a step when his foot rested on a piece of singed leather. The heavy scooped down and retrieved the large bundle. When he un-wrapped the packaged, tears rolled down the heavy's cheeks as he held a cook book. The cook book had been a gift to the heavy from his mother when he had left their home in the Siberian Mountains in order to make a living for his family by becoming a merc. When he left his mother gave him a handmade book of all the recipes of his favorite food that she made for him after they escaped that prison camp. The book was filled with Russian recipes that were written in Russian but had English entries that had been made by the heavy. He did not keep it in the base because he knew that certain patriotic soldiers would burn such books if ever found. The heavy climbed out of the fridge and over the piles of debris and went over to the truck. He reached over to the large bell and rang in several times. After a few minutes the rest of the mercs came over. "If any of you vant ride then get in". The mercs piled into the truck and soon they arrived at the red base the heavy began to pack his bags, "Yo heavy, um you going on a trip or somting". The heavy looked at the scout and the resumed packing his bags. "I must go get more ingredients for my Sandvichs, all of mine were destroyed in the fire". The heavy put his cook book in his bag then buckled up the straps. "I vill leave now, please ask the engineer to take care of Sasha for me. Also when you receive many crates, please but them into the new fridge that I ordered". The heavy then left the room, he walked outside and to the small air field that was rarely used. He walked into the hangar and walked up to a large object that was covered in a dusty sheet. He tore off the sheet to revel a large motor cycle. The heavy put the key into the ignition and turned it. The machine roared to life and the heavy's grin widened. He tied his bag to the side of the bike and then made sure it was secure. He then put a helmet on and revved up the engine. He pulled out of the hangar and headed south east, towards Texas.

The heavy pulled up to a restaurant near 21:32 (9:00 Pm), it was called, "Fine meat to meet!" The heavy chuckled as he locked up his bike then walked into the restaurant. Inside was a crowded and busy restaurant, he looked over to the wall where he saw a picture. It was a photograph of a chef and the heavy proudly posing for the shot, while standing on multiple bodies. The heavy smiled as he began to make his way to the back of the restaurant, and into the kitchen. As he entered he caught the attention of several cooks who began to shout at him, when the heavy did not leave, they began to shove and push the heavy out the door but the heavy just stood there, like a statue. Shouting was heard from a freezer and out walked a large and portly chef. He looked furious until he saw his old friend, the heavy. But then he looked angry again, "All right all of you, stop that" the chief shouted. The cooks were about to call the police before the chef intervened. The cooks went back to their work and the chef lead the heavy into his office. "Ah my friend, how goes the mercenary business"? The chef was about to crack open a bottle of vodka but then put it back in the small liquor fridge. "Ah, it's been a long time eh; I forgot that you only drink red wine". The heavy smiled as he remembered the first and last time he drank that hard of a liquor. "Yes that is true, the last time that I drank, was vhen I first arrived in America, I vas home sick…I'm no longer allowed to drink at that bar, could be because I accidently tore down three walls". The chef looked at the heavy with stunned silence. The heavy began laughing heartily which caused the chef to also laugh for a good few minutes. When the chef finally calmed down he cracked open a bottle of red wine and poured a glass for himself and the heavy. They drank in silence for a moment before the chef asked, "My friend, I mean no to be rude but why did you visit me tonight, I know that you are very busy with your fighting but you would not have made a visit to me without cause". The heavy frowned, "An accident destroyed my kitchen and all of my stuff, I must obtain more ingredients while I wait for Mann co. to rebuild its self". The chef smiled and he got up, "well my old friend I have a smoked that I was saving for an occasion but you need it more". The chef led the heavy out of his office and into the large freezer that was in the back. In side of the freezer was a huge piece of smoked ham, the size of it was probably the a little taller than the scout. "That should last you a month or two, please accept it as a gift". They heavy patted the giant piece of ham, then with some effort picked it up and rested in on his shoulder. The heavy thanked his friend and was walking out the door when a commotion occurred near the door. The heavy sighed and set down the massive ham, and walked towards the 2 men that were yelling at each other. The two men obviously knew each other as they were shouting the others name for some reason. The heavy tapped his finger on one of the men, which was the smaller of the two; the man whipped around and paled for a moment but then rallied his courage. "What do YOU want"!? The heavy was not fazed and continued to hold his calm attitude. "I have come to ask that both of you stop, you are making a scene in my friends place". From the kitchen a cook reported what he had seen and heard. "Oh my, well, go and call an ambulance… those men will need it". The tall man look positively furiously ad his beet red face showed it, "look here, If YOU don't leave right now I will-I will stab you"! The small man pulled out a knife and began to brandish it at the heavy. The heavy smiled as he gave an upper cut to the man and the small man flew a few feet in the air and landed on a table. The other man ran over and helped his friend up but after landing on several drink glasses had left a carpet of glass all over that table and the small man's back. The heavy went back to his ham, picked it up and walked out the door. He passed some paramedics on his way to his bike; he got on and drove off. In the morning the heavy put his ham in a large refrigerated box and shipped it off to Tufort, He then drove back to Tufort where he went to the air field and into the hangar. He walked in and over to the bi-plane that was parked in the hangar. He tested the engine and then strapped on a helmet. He geared the plane into the forward position and maneuvered it onto the runway. He began to gain speed and after a minuet got air and lifted off the ground. He made many stops to refuel and for food until he came to the east coast, in Pennsylvania. He refueled and then began the long flight over the Atlantic and to Italy. After a day and a night of flying he finally saw the bright sun shining over the city or Rome. After he landed on the run way, he rolled out a sleeping mat and rolled it out in the two man cargo hold. The heavy slept for several hours before he woke up to the setting sun, he got up and crawled out of the cargo hold and made his way to the set or jeeps that were in the hangar. Both red and Blu teams both had numerus hangars and garages all over the world in case of an emergency. The Heavy drove for several hours until he came to the town of bologna, he stopped at an inn for the night and slept until the morning. He got up and paid the bill, then drove a little north into the country side until he reached a small farm that had quite the large number of pigs. The heavy stepped out of the jeep and knocked on the old door on the farm house. After a few minutes an elderly woman opened the door and the n hugged the heavy when she saw him. "My goodness, it's you! How have you been"? The woman lead the heavy in and into a kitchen where she poured him a glass of wine. "I have been good Lana, how has the farm been since I was last here"? Lana thought for a moment, "oh well the farm has been good, my boys help me when the weather is bad but with them I manage". The heavy took a sip of wine, "That is good, I was afraid that I would have to put them into shape, but I am here in order to get some of your bologna, an accident with Mann co. Has led to me not being able to get more." Another sip, "and a fire has destroyed the last of my ingredients". Lana looked sad at hearing this but cheered up "well, ill send you with some of my best meat, but I need you help with something before you go". Lana led the heavy outside and to the edge of a field. Next to a gate was a tractor that had sunk deep into the mud. "if you could help me move the truck I wou-", but before she could finish the heavy had already braced his shoulder to the heavy machine and had slowly lifted it out of the mud. Lana stared for a moment before laughing, "Oh my lord, you still have the strength of ten oxen." Lana and the heavy went up to the barn where there were boxes of cured bologna. "Take these, until that company comes back to me, these should keep you satisfied for a few months". The heavy smiled as he picked up the crates and three by three, loaded them into the back of the jeep. He gave Lana a hug before he got into the jeep and began to drive away. The heavy drove back through the city of bologna and rested up at the inn. After spending the night there the heavy awoke the next morning and made the long drive to Rome. When he got to the air field, the sun was setting. The heavy loaded the meat into the cargo hold of the plane and then took off towards America.

The heavy landed on the Tufort runway and then pulled into the hangar. He noticed that there were two envelopes on his motorcycle; one was nice and pristine while the other was slightly singed and stained with gasoline. He walked over and red the clean one first, "dear heavy, after you mysteriously leave of absence, I have had the pyro write a letter of apology to you, it is fragmented at best but he tried" –medic. The pyro's letter was simply put at best an assortment of pictures that were drawn in a crude hand. They resembled the pyro looking sorry and pleading to what looked like a baby heavy, dancing In front of a wave made of rainbows. The heavy set the letters down and then walked out of the hangar, and to the red base. He walked into a room that was marked "Heavy". The room was plainly furnished except for a new lion sized freezer and an expensive looking kitchen. He went to the normal sized fridge and pulled out a head of lettuce and a few tomatoes. He went over to a bread box and pulled out a loaf of white bread. After opening one of the crates, he brought out a link of bologna sausages. He cut the lettuces and tomatoes into thin slices, and the same with the bologna sausages. Next he went over to the freezer and opened it. Inside was the humongous piece of ham, the heavy cut off a few slices with a hack saw and then brought them to an oven. He heated up the slices in order to thaw them out. He then took them out and put his creation together. He stuck an olive on a stick as a finishing touch as he looked and marveled at the Sandvich. He picked it up and took a bite.

"Fin"

This writing is fanfiction made for the "72 hour, Tf2 jam". All trade mark names belong to valve.


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